My friends, if you haven’t guessed yet, I’m the king of passive aggressive. Really. Just check out that first paragraph.¹ But I can tell you passive aggressive isn’t going to work in this situation. Instead, it’s time to get aggressive aggressive. Even if Silent Keynote kept the Mac faithful mostly quiet, mainstream reporters would spin it as “MacWorld confirms Apple decision to stop attending.” No, my friends, you need (and want) to grab attention.

Thankfully, I’ve had my staff here at Tewha busy at work on a solution. And they’ve come up with one, my friends. Oh yes. And you’re going to like it. Or hate it. I’m not sure which yet.

What’s the biggest American event in the last decade? No, no, my friends. Think TV. Take out the water and add moral outrage. That’s right, I’m talking about Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. It added the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” to common English, possibly for the rest of time.

No, Silent Keynote isn’t going to work. What we need is a Topless Keynote, my friends, a Topless Keynote.

Let’s be honest here: Nothing grabs the American public’s attention faster than breasts. Not violence, not politics, nothing. If you really want the mainstream media’s attention, my friends, you just need to add bare breasts.

So here’s my staff’s proposal: Go not just topless, but make it an art form. Wear a sweater, but at the right moment pull it off and reveal a top with cut out breasts. My friends: Let those nipples show!

I know, I know. You think I’m being sexist here. Well I’m not really. I’m just thinking of the biggest impact you can have on that keynote. And I’m not picking on just women here. Obviously, it’s more effective, but I think for moral support the men should join in, too. Just imagine it… at the right moment, there’s suddenly two hundred nipples on display.

Now that would make a point. That will shut up Phil Schiller in mid sentence. That will make the media perk right up and take notice. That will give you the attention, my dear MacMacs, that you so deeply need.

Completely unexpected. There’s no ignoring it, so it would cause a total derailment of the Keynote. Plus, mainstream reporters are going to ask. It’s unavoidable. “Excuse me, miss, why did you and a hundred others put your breasts on display when Phil was talking about the Xserve?” Plus, you know, it’ll be funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Topless Keynote. Make it happen.

1. I’m also a king of sarcasm. Not the king, just a king. But if you don’t believe that, read the rest of the post.